The Goon's Freaky Holiday Tales
by RichardRow
Summary: The Goon is finally here in his first ever crossover on FanFiction and he's feeling a joyous with the holiday spirit. Read as he meets up with many characters to spread the cheer with beers and monster punching. He will team up and Ash Williams to face the Evil Dead for Halloween and he will go turkey hunting with Deadpool for Thanksgiving. And you don't want to miss Christmas.


**The Goon's Freaky Holiday Trilogy (#1/3 of Some F# ked-Up Tales)**

 **PART 1: The Goon's Halloween Massacre or The Goon vs The EVIL DEAD…AGAIN!**

 **Featuring the King of I don't really know Ash Williams**

" **For people that don't know about the Goon, then I have no idea why you're here, but for the people that do know about him. Well do I even need to go through all the insane stuff that this man has been through? Like killing his first man when his was nothing more than a child, A F#*king Child! Don't worry it was for revenge for the death of his Aunt Kizzie. Then a few days later he met his best friend Franky and fought a horde of zombies. The Goon has been through a lot like fighting a midget with a bowling ball for a hand, then going through Rat Alley with rat's as big as St. Bernards and then having to fight a giant zomibified chimpanzee all in one night. He also met Hellboy to fight the Communist Airborne Mollusk Militia. Then He fought Satan's So...ns of B*%$hes doing here?" ("The reason our British narrator stopped is because the Goon and Franky are here for some reason. And they're wearing robes whiling siting by a fancy fireplace...for some reason.")**

 **The Goon: "And well tell that reason.("OH LORD THEY CAN HEAR ME, THIS IS FREAKING ME OUT, I'M GOING TO MEXICO.") Franky, did you hear that?"**

 **Franky: "Hear what? If it's blood rushing it's from probably no covering your ears when firing that pistol."**

 **The Goon: "Nevermind. Anyways let us explain why we're here to the viewer."**

 **The British Narrator: "Oh, no you don't I'm not letting this happening, I'm the narrator and I'm one who explains what's going on here not you! You're not taking my job, I need that to my kids."**

 **Franky: "Lair!"**

 **The...you know what let's just call him the Narrator: "Find, I need it to feed my kittens."**

 **Franky: "Still lying huh? I outta put a knife to your eye."**

 **The Narrator: "Okay you got me; I'm just some guy they picked off the street, who's very lonely."**

 **Franky: "I got you, you wanking ligger."**

 **The Narrator is not fitting with what 'bout the Britain: "Why I oughta." (The Goon fires his pistol.)**

 **The Goon: "Yous better calm down."**

 **Or just the Brit: "Oh God, I now know what he is talking about that rushing sound."**

 **Franky: "Now you know how it feel to be Stirling Archer."**

 **Let's just go back to British Narrator is already confusing as it is: "Okay now why are you guys here?"**

 **The Goon: "Well we were sent here by Eric Powell to stop you from stay the title of comic book that could never be said...Satan's $ %#* Baby."**

 **Frankie: "GOON HOW COULD YOU?! You know what happens to people who say that?"**

 **The Goon: "Yeah I know the Mudd Brothers are sent out to break legs. Don't worry I have some sort of diplomatic immunity s#*t.**

 **Frankie: "Has it been revoked."**

 **The Goon: "Why, do you (The Mudd Brothers appear right behind Goon.) Ah f#^k."**

 **Bill Mudd: "We're sorry Goon, you know what we need to do."**

 **Charlie Mudd: "We Break dem legs of theirs!"**

 **The Goon: "Okay let's do this, BRING IT ON YOUS SONS OF B^$ &HES.( Goon Tackles to two.)I'm going to be starting punching a lot of ya."**

 **The British Narrator: "Well this is odd."**

 **Franky: "We're also here to be a part of some stories still our schedule is odd as in we're not a bi-monthly comic and we're a some-what famous comic. SUCK IT NON BEILEVERS we're getting a movie. Also we wanted to wanted to part of these crossovers, The only ones that we had we're Cannibal Macabre it was interesting, then there was a weird death metal band called Dethlok, they brought some sicko clown that wanted his way with him and Hellboy I'm not even sure happened because it starts with him getting hit, then we fight the Communist Airborne Mollusk Militia DAMN THEM! But then at the end he's back in his world. So here we are ready for anything." (Then Goon comes back from his fight with bruises all over him.)**

 **Goon: "Yeah you better get out of you F#*ks, How do you like getting your legs broken?"**

 **British Narrator: "I can't believe anything I'm hearing."(A giant explosion happens behind Goon and Franky, dust is everywhere the dust starts to clear then a voice is heard.)**

 **Ash Williams: "Can we just start is motherf* &ker!"**

 **The British Narrator: "WHO IN THE BLASTED DEVIL ARE YOU?"**

 **Ash Williams: "Well Mr. Fancy pants, I'm the King baby."**

 **The British narrator: "The rumors are true, Elvis is still alive, why do you have a chainsaw for a hand?"**

 **Ash Williams: "No, also I had to cut off my hand because it was infected, as for this, THIS IS MY BOOMSTICK! (Ash aims his two barrels shotgun and fires at the Narrator.) Now let's get this show on the road."**

It started out as a normal day for...the town that doesn't even have a name that the goon lives in. Everything was normal... for them at least, Goon and Franky were drinking at Norton's Pub, the rats infesting rat alley, Dr. Hieronymous Alloy trying to make his gene-modified creamed corn better with his reptilian, Spanish-speaking assistant El Hombre de Lagarto helping him out. The Little, Unholy Bastards are acting like little unholy bastards, the Mudds are breaking legs and The Zombie Priest is coming up with a plan to have the ultimate army of the dead...just a another normal day.

The Zombie Priest and his henchmen, the green-skinned zombie Lalzo and the human-faced Cat (Which by the way sounds like Droopy) have found the true source pf ultimate power, THE NECRONOMICON EX-MORTIS, THE BOOK OF THE DEAD! Lalzo asks the Preist a question "Are you sure you want to do this boss, we have no idea what kind of power it holds." Cat tells at Lalzo "Don't question your master; we only listen to the great and almighty Zombie Priest." Priest pats the cat on the head and he starts to purr, the Priest then said "Yes that's a good kitty, this why I keep him around, loyal and confidence booster, unlike some people." Lalzo replies with "Sorry, boss but you hear the legends that this book is able book." "Yes I know, why did you think I got the book in the first place. You think I just put it on my bookshelf a complete ass by saying 'oh look at me I have the Necronomicon and you don't.' I'm doing that when I engulf the world with the dead. Okay now let's check this book out."

All three of them all stare at the book's disturbing and bloody pages. The Zombie Priest said the text read that was written in what looks like to be fresh book. "Okay this looks neat, he'll suck you dry, huh sounds like my ex-girlfriend. Purification by fire, we should do that or the Goon or Buzzard see." The Cat implies "What about both?" The Priest in amazement "Brilliant, but I want to burn them not pure them. Let's see, Shaitan? No it's Satan, Satan's bitch yep,, defiantly looks like it, blood rain no, Boiling water on the body nope, pure evil, hurry Lalzo give some book markers we should uses theses later. Dan Koelsch will rot in Hell, who in the Hell is Dan Koelsch?" After going through the book page by page they found it how to raise deadites."The Priest yells "HA, there we go will found it, now some give a Sumerian translation book." Lalzo asks "Were would we get that sir?" I don't know got to a fucking library, hurry we mustn't waste time."

Lalzo go to the library, the Unholy Little Bastards are there, each one reading a different book, Specs is reading a ruined book about history from a 1948 textbook, Charlotte is reading Fifty Shades of Grey but it's not making sense to her, Peewee is reading a comic book titled SAGA, it's not making any sense to him either and Smitty is reading a Playboy magazine got to love when no is supervising kids. As I pretty sure you can notice they need help or a real education but this is a Goon story and the craziest will continue. As the kids read or just stare into their books they notice Lalzo enter the library. Smitty yells "What is this, a zombie is entering our library, and we need to do something!" Charlotte then said "Should we get the Goon?" Specs said to Smitty "We should just keep an eye on him and if he's do something funny." Peewee finishes Specs' sentence "BLAM! We pin him down then we get the Goon to finish the job." Smitty agrees with the plan and they all enter the library hiding behind the bookshelves to watch what Lalzo is doing. As they watched the greened-skinned zombie, they notice he was looking in the translating section. Smitty then whispered to the gang "What is he doing is the translation section? I thought those damn zombies we're supposed to read?" Specs answers with "Looks like he's picking up a Sumerian translation book Peewee comments maybe he looking how to translate a Sumerian cook book?" Charlotte comments "but what is cooking, oh no maybe he's going to be cooking KIDS!" They all yell "NNNNOOOOO!" Lalzo hears them yell he turns around and notices nothing as the kids hid behind the bookshelves each one covering theirs mouths. Lalzo went back and grabbed the book; the kids start to come up with a plan. Smitty said "We need to do something we need to get that book out of his hands. But how?" then PeeWee notices that he had a slingshot in his back pocket and pulled it. Charlotte then said "Great but we don't have any ammo you idiot!" the Smitty said with a snap of his fingers "Crap, she's right,(then Smitty looked at Specs) Sorry Specs but you're going to have to take one for the team. As Lalzo was checking out his book said "Thank you very much madam this helps me out a lo- OUCH!(Peewee shot him with Spec's glasses and they all charged at him except for specs for him being blind without his glasses) Oh no get away you brats." Smitty, Peewee and Charlotte all grabbed Lalzo, and weren't letting go but Lalzo was still standing and he decided to just walk back to the Priest with 3 future prisoners. Smitty then yelled "SPECS! Hurry and get the Goon we have a real problem here." Then Specs said I will has soon has I find my 'crack' is heard, Specs then realizes he stepped on his glasses. As he'd realized it he said "Shit."

Lalzo enters the Priest's tower he said "Hurry someone get a bag so I can put these Monsterous brats into. They've been a pain ever since I got to the Library." The Cat then hands him a burlap sack to but the kids in. The Cat said "Master isn't going to like this." Then the Priest Comes down "Lalzo I heard you come now…What's in that bag and what's moving inside it Lalzo?" "Sir I had a couple problems while getting the book." "What kind of problem would you have got while getting a damn book?" Then Smitty is heard from the sack "Is that the Zombie Priest? If that is I'm going to punch in where the sun never shines." The Priest then realizes what's in the bag and then he said from the top of his lungs. "YOU BROUGHT CHILDREN HERE! Why in the Goon filled Hell that you're putting me through right now did you bring kids here? You know if this doesn't work the Goon is going to shove his hand far up in there my zombieifed behind and going to turn me into a mitten as he turns Cat into new slippers and you into that damn stupid hat he wears on his dumb-found head you GODDAMN IDIOT!" "Sir they attacked me and I couldn't get them off because I had this book in my hand." The Cat broke up the two by saying "Master we have the book of the dead and the book to translate it we can have the biggest and the most evil army of the dead of them all." The Priest then realizes it and said "Yes, (he began an evil chuckle) YES! It doesn't matter when we get this army raised we shall have an army that can stop a hundred, no a thousand Goons in their tracks.

The Priest open the book to the page that summons an army of the evil dead, monsters and demons alike start raising out of the ground with the scariest and most disfigure shapes. Some of them we're saying "Swallow your soul, swallow your soul" repeatedly. True darkness was rising; the sun was blocked out by the dark clouds blocking it. It seems like the end of this town, probably the world. The Priest was standing on top of his tower watching them come out, he glad a big, wicked grin on his face as his two henchmen praised for him. Then the priest said "Rise my minions, bow for you-" "WAIT!" Lalzo yelled "Priest I'm just stopping you for we get a lawsuit and we both know we don't have the money for that." "So what we can take them for with this army of the dead." "No sir a lawsuit in the real world not in this." "Shit, find I'll just I don't know just do an evil laugh HA HA HA HA! As he'd laugh with his evil army of darkness, little does he know after reading and saying the magic words to summon such evil. The page that he was reading was missing a section and it said "As you summon such darkness you will also summon a hero to fight the darkness. The ending of this fight will be unknown but a hero will come out of nowhere and stand up against it."

Somewhere out of a town a portal opens with no idea of what will be coming out of it maybe a disgusting European woman or a box of boots that were thrown away into the garage or maybe even a t-rex with machine gun arms. Then the portal spits…now of the above, it's a man, not even a t- rex with machine gun arms, what a sad day. And as you guy guested, the man gets up, wipes himself off and looks at his surroundings. "Where the in Hell am I?" The man appears to be in a swamp he starts to walk forwards, and then he sees an alligator surface from the murky water. The gator roads at him and the man yells at it "Yeah, yeah, shut your air hole, I'm going to make you into a new pair of boots." The gator starts to charge are him, he ready's himself for the alligator and starts his CHAINSAW FOR A HAND?! THAT'S THE DEFINION FOR A BADASS! Then the badass said "Bring bitch, I'm ASH MOTHERFUCKING WILLIAMS!(From the that day the Gator and Ash made up and had sweet love and had a family of half reptilian baby grown up to be wrestlers. Nah, I'm just kidding, this isn't a Nicholas Sparks book. Ash just shoved his saw down the alligator's mouth by which killed it.) After killing the alligator, Ash continued walking through the swamp hoping he'll civilization or maybe a cabin in the woods… never mind that's how he lose his hand in the first place.

Ash then stopped as he saw a sign in the middle of the foggy swamp, Ash said that the sign said "Hobo Jungle? I'm in a swamp and an even better question how in the hell did I get here?" After he'd finish a hobo walked out of the fog next to him… just staring at Ash yes very creepy. Ash turned to the man and asked "Hey man, do you know where the way out of here is?" Bu the man didn't answer and tried top bit him. Them more of these man-eating freaks came out of the fog. Then as it seen to be the end of our hero Ash pulled out his to two-barrel shotgun and fired at the hobo that to eat and said "Swallow this, now you privative screw heads THIS IS MY BOOMSTICK. Now the next person you tries to eat me gets a load of lead in their stomach got it? Now would somebody please point me to the way to get out of here?" And the crowd of Hobo spited like the Red Sea showing the way into…Somebody please tell me the name of this nameless town!

Ash is now in the town, it felt odd, then again it would feel odd for any normal man and I say it again normal man to enter this town. The town looked yes it was in the great depression combined with something from a 1920s or 30s cartoon but in color and very, very unpleasant setting. Ash said to himself "Why do I have the feeling to vomit, also the smell here is like a combination of cow pies, the strongest liquor with a hint of lemon? Someone please tell me why I'm here and tell it's a dream so I can wake up" As Ash is exploring the town, a blinded Specs is till looking for the Goon and now lets check up with the Mudd brothers, two brutal yet moronic monsters who work as enforcers for the Goon and collect people's debts for him. But if the people don't pay their debts on time you guessed it, they "break dem legs."

I don't know why they like to do it, maybe some sort of fetish to them for breaking legs or some sort of I don't know. Then again why do I read these stories, they get pretty weird at times and pretty dark. Do I some sick desire for them do I have some…OH MY GOD THIS ISN'T MY DIARY! ... Um I mean private journal…fuck me, I'm so off topic where was I oh yeah the Mudds. As they were collecting debts they were having a conversation. "Hey Bill?" "What Charlie?" "Why don't we wear shirts?" the two stop in their tracks. "I don't know Charlie?" "Bill we're monsters right?" "Right." "Skunks apes are monsters right?" "Right." "Theys don'ts wear shirts." "Nope." Or pants." "No theys don't." "So why do we?" "Is don'ts know." the two looked at each other, both with the same idea in their head. The Mudds undressed themselves and wondered if they made the right choice. Then a very attractive woman came rounded the corner and said in a quickly as she saw the Mudds "Oh my." Then she looked down and said in a George Takei like voice "OOOHHH MMMYYY..." Then she looked up, runs away and yells in terror. "OH DEAR LORD! Hurry someone give me bleach for my eyes." The brothers looked at each other and put their clothes back on. "Well Charlie, back to work." Then they went back to collecting debts.

The Mudds are back to collecting debts and now they bumped in to Specs...literally. "OUCH!" said Bill as a blind Specs accidentally headbutted Charlie in the groin. Charlie yells at Specs "Yous hurt me brother, I'M GOING TO DEVOUR YOUR SOUL!" then Specs said "What?! (Charlie then picks him up with his mouth opening up like Charybdis, the great whirlpool that Odysseus get past along with the great monster Scylla, oh sorry this isn't the History Channel and if it was I would be typing about ancient aliens were the cause of it. Well anyways Charlie's mouth is getting really big. As Specs is getting closer to his doom had to do something, something fast.) WAIT! I'm looking for the Goon." As the words were said Charlie took Specs out of his mouth and put him down, then he patted his head. Bill got back up and asked "Whys you not eat him." and Charlie answered with "Dis kid wants to see Goon." "Oh...Let's take him."

The brothers are going to take Specs to the Goon, they're about to have a obstacle on the way. Ash is now entering the street the Mudd are on. But he doesn't notice them yet, as he is till 'site-seeing' the town. Now let's hear about his experience, Ash said to himself "I don't know what the fuck is wrong with this town, I just saw an advertisement for a psychic seal, rats as big as and an old gypsy woman who offered me cat's eyes on cinnamon dental floss. Its official I'm on some sort of psychedelic drug or shrooms while on a garbage barge filled with everything from burning man. And what's that?(Ash now realizes the Mudd brothers taking Specs to the Goon but Ash only sees monsters holding a a little boy. Nothing looks like it's going to go well) Oh God monsters I thought zombie we're enough but now this. And they have a kid, OH THE HORROR!" Ash runs towards the Mudds yelling at the top of his lungs. Ash starts his chainsaw and swings at the two but they dodge. Bill grabs the chainsaw and tosses it away, as Charlie has hold of Ashs's shotgun but Ash can't shot it. So he shoves it in Charlie's face which broke his nose. Charlie then yells "Ouch! My nose, I can only smell blood." then Ash shoved the shotgun's barrels into Bill's eyes. He yells "MY EYES, DARKNESS, IMPRISONING ME, ALL I CAN SEE." Ash just said "What?" Bill said "I can only see darkness and feel pain. And I have a Metallica song stuck in my head." Ask just said in a confused tone "Oooookay?" Ash got his chainsaw back on and grabbed Specs as the Mudd are treating their wounds.

Ash ran as fast as he can to get away from the Mudds, he put Specs down and asked him. "Kid are you alright also what we're those things going to do with you?" Specs answer with "I would better with my glasses but they broke also they we're going to help me get the Goon." Ash said in shock "THOSES THINGS WERE HELPING YOU, LET ME MEET SOMEONE NORMAL IN THIS CURSETED TOWN! Also sorry about that kid, but I'll help find the Goon where would he be?" "The Goon always hangs out at Norton's Pub." "Great kid, we got a name, which will help a lot." Then Ash looked down each street and saw they seemed to go one forever. Ash then yells "Shit this going to take forever! I'm in a place that is for sure definitely worse than the dark fucking ages. How am I going to find this...(Apparently it was across the street) oh, hey kid we're in luck. Let's go meet this Goon fella." The two start walking across the street and Specs answered with "Big."

Ash and Specs enter the bar and everything seems normal with everyone having fun with a beer in their hand...Then Ash notice a zombie playing poker with some guys and Ash said "Is that a zombie playing poker?" Then a giant spider wearing a hat came down from the ceiling and answered Ash's question with "Yes, it is." Ash yells, the giant spider scares him, he toss his shotgun in air from the fright. He's able to catch and pulls the trigger without even aiming. The dust clear and the spider is oh wait it's not gone, it's on the floor in pain with one of his legs blown off. Spider yells "WHY? I was just answering your question." Then from across the bar a voice is heard. "HEY YOU!" Ash looks across the bar and sees a giant of a man wearing a hat, white t-shirt, green pants, and a .357 magnum attached to him. He stood up while finishing his shot of whiskey; he turned around walking towards Ash. Ash could barely see his eyes but he notice a claw marks on the left side of his face. He stopped when he got a foot close to Ash, Ash didn't know what to expect, and then the giant extended his hand towards Ash and said "Hey man that was pretty funny, I would say spidey here deserved it." Spider said to the man "Screw you." "Hey that's what you get for not paying child support motherfucker. (The man turns his attention back to Ash) By the way the name's is The Goon." Wait! Hold up, you're telling me we're now meeting our titled character what the fuck man. It's just like 2014's Godzilla took an hour to meet the title character what's up with that? That better not be the new trend with movies...or anything.)

Goon puts is arm around Ash and brings towards the bar. He asks Ash "So where did you get that and of yours?" Ash tells him "Kind of made it myself, after my old hand got infects and went evil on me so I cut off with this chainsaw. Then the thing turned out to still be alive it gave me the bird and crawled into a hole into the wall. Then the night proceeded to get more fucked up also the day after it….and the next day and so on." The Goon was just silence looking him and ask "Hey did you have any drinks on the way here or what?" "No, but-" Goon interrupts him by saying. "Too bad, we're getting some. NORTON GET ME SOME MILWAUKEE BEERS OR WHISEKRY WE'RE GIVING THIS GUY THE CAUSE AND SOULTIONS TO ALL OF LIVE'S PROBLEMS!" Norton's gets the Alcohol Ash is trying to explain the Goon that there's a kid looking for him but Ash can't find Specs. Specs is now lost in a sea of drunks, OH GOD! MYCHILDHOOD! SO MANY MEMOR, SOMANY REPRESSED. Goon asks Ash "So how did to get here? Usually a lot of the folks that come into town are total assholes and are you one of them if so gets ready to get glassed." Ash answers "There will be no need of that happening, also I have no idea how I got here. One moment I'm just minding my on business then the next a portal opens, sucks me into it and I land in that swamp that deserves to be burned down. That nightmare is filled with alligators, cannibal hobos and-" The Goon finishes Ash's sentence, "Skunk apes." Ash just said in a very confused tone "What?" "Yeah, Skunk apes, big hairy fellas, their annoying, but they're more annoying when something gets between dem and pie, especially blueberry remember that. Also the whole portal thingy youes were talking about; you're on something that's all I know."

Specs was till lost in a sea of drunk trying to find Goon, please someone give the kid some glasses it's sad. I know I could and do some sort of Dues ex Machina crap but I don't want to do that it's not a good way to tell a story. As Goon and Ash are sharing stories like Goon telling about the football ham story. "So he tells it's a football but I tell him it's a ham then he said it's a ham, so I beat the living snot outta him and poop in his hat." Ash has a disturbed look on his face and said "The fuck is wrong with you people?" Then Franky kick the door open into Norton's and runs to Goon. Franky yells "Goon! Goon! We got something seriously going on outside." Goon said "Hey, Franky how you doing here's my new friend Ash." Franky said quick and somewhat sarcastic tone. "Hey, Ash, you must give the best handjobs with that hand, haha, better than Mabel, now let's go!" Ash said "What's wrong with his eyes?"Franky ignored the question and grabbed both of them. "No time for dumb questions, I was born handsome now both you need to take a look outside." Goon and Ash were shocked by the hordes of undead filling the street. Goon said to Ash "Like I said some people that come to town are real assholes."

Ash looks at the Goon and said "Remember when I was telling you about my hand getting infected, well it was from theses motherfuckers." "Is that so Ash? Well I think it's about time to return the favor to these fellas. (Goon turns and fells to Franky) "Get the car ready and makes sure that we have our "gifts" ready for these slacks jaws." Franky yells "On it, I think the "gifts" are already in there but I need a little bit of whiskey in me." "We got some in the car." "Sweet! Also Norton get this Pub of deadbeats ready for war." Norton yells "On it!" Norton's gets out a pump-action shotgun and rings a bell which a box filled with weapons dropped from the ceiling. Norton then yells "LAST CALL EVERYONE!" The drunk instantly got into a line, each one grabbed a weapon, one man got a 2x4 with a rusty railroad spike through, another one got a pistol with explosive ammo and another man got…a rock, what is this Charlie Brown or something? Anyways all the men went to the window of the Pub ready for the fight against the undead horde.

Ash asks Goon "Hey why don't you have your weapon out?" "Because "For now I work with my fists I got ride coming soon and when it does, these slackjaws will be wanting to go back to their dead mothers and cry like a bunch of babies. Now let's start the fun." "Could agree more AAAAHHHH!" Ash and Goon charged at the horde Goon threw Ash into the air like a spear and he landed in the middle of the horde. Ash was cutting each one of these monstrosities in half. He was cutting them in every way he can, up, down, left, right, 30 degrees, 90, you name it. As Ash was cutting them all up the Goon was destroying them by each punch he threw. The zombies were exploding into piles of bones and undead flesh. As the Goon was whaling on them, one the creature was senaking up on him but this thing was not like the other undead its body was deformed, long extended neck, its teeth were long and point, they were coming out of its mouth. The monster wrapped around Goon's neck like a boa constrictor around its prey. Goon was trying to uncoil the thing but it kept getting tighter. The monster then said in an unhuman tone "I'll swallow your soul." Ash heard the creature and it got him thinking, he looked around him and noticed the zombies were pale with the whitest of eyes and large gaping mouths. Ash then yelled "DEADITES!" he turned his attention to the monster choking the Goon. Ash quickly unlatched his chainsaw from his arm and swings it at the beast. Before the creature was going to take a bite out of the Goon's head the chainsaw goes through the creature head and pins it to the ground. Ash runs to the Goon to check up on him and Goon tells him "Nice aim, now let's finish this thing." Creature starts yelling "SWALLOW YOUR SOUL! SWALLOW YOUR SOUL!" Ash points his shotgun at the creature, so does the Goon with his Magnum and they both say "SWALLOW THIS." BOOM they both fired at the monster, the beast's head exploded. But they're both surrounded by the undead, Ash grabs his chainsaw, attaches it back to place. Even with the Pub filled with me firing at the creatures nothing looks like its working. Seems like all hope is lost so kiss your, OH WAIT ITS FRANKY DRIVING THROUGH HORDE WITH THE MUDD IN THE BACK FIRING TOMMY GUNS. WHAT A BADASS SIGHT TO SEE.

Franky is running over what seems to be hundreds of the monsters. Franky stops right next Goon and Ash to pick them up. He tells them "Before you get him I need to do something, He Author what about you wrap this thing up already!" It will be soon now calm down if you don't you're going to make it longer than it is. "Fine, (A zombie walks up to Franky, and…) KNIFE TO THE EYE SON OF A BITCH! Now youes two get in." Ash thought to himself if everyone in this town was psychotic. As Ash gets in he yells "What the fuck are these guys doing here? They were going to eat a, OH GOD where's the kid." Bill Mudd grabbed Specs who was right behind him, the Goon said "Oh dese two are my enforcers and debt collectors, there not the smartest but they're some for the strongest. Also Franky you got those Gifts?" Franky opens the gloves compartment and opening it a gold light was shining out of it. Goon's was shocked about what it was but he wasn't disappointed, wasn't disappointed at all. Dynamite was in the compartment. "Goon said to Franky. "Christmas came earlier this year, and I'm going to gives these slackjaws one helluva 4th of fridding July." And so he did, Franky was doing donuts in the horde as the Goon was throwing sticks of Dynamite. The zombies were being blown up left and right by the Goon , Ash said to the Mudds "So you work for him? (Both shook their heads in agreement.) "You guys were bringing the kid to him? (They shook their heads again) So you weren't going to eat the kid?(The Mudds look at each other then looked at Ash and shook their head s for a third time.) So no hard feeling?" Bill said "There is but." Then Charlie said "You have to buy us dinner" Ash snaps his fingers "Done."

Everyone is mascaraing the zombies, The Mudds are shooting them with Toomy guns, Ash with his shotgun and chainsaw, Goon lighting them up with dynamite and Franky driving around while stabbing the closest one in the eye with a knife. Oh yeah, specs in also there but he's about to vomit anytime now. As it seems like they won against them, the car starts to slow down. Goon asks "Hey Franky, what's going on here?" Franky answers the Goon with "Um, let's just say we're running out of gas." "How, we filled this thing up last night.'' "Yes but Goon remember last night's um…Strip club, street racing?" "Oh yeah." Ash said while reloading his shotgun "You guys and this town in general are the weirdest things I've ever been through. Also now what do we do once this spinning cycle of death stops?" The Mudds answer "We keep fighting?" "Yeah but what about when we run out of ammo?" Goon answers "We start punching a lot of them." "You guys don't get it we need a plan; these things are deadites, evil undead monsters that were summoned from the Necronomicon also known as the book of the dead." "Unfridding believable, we're outta of dynamite." Franky yell "Not just that but also gas." Then the Mudds "And ammo." Ash said to himself "I'm going to die while surrounded by idiot." Goon asks Ash "Hey I listen, also this that flying zombie from that book of the dead?" Ash looks up at the sky and sees a gargoyle like beast flying in the sky and Ash said "Yep." Now it seems like all hope is lost, so now it's a good time for them to kiss their butts goodbye, except for the Mudds because they're disgusting monsters.

The Gargoyle like beast in the sky has its sights set on the group it begins to sloop in for the kill. Diving down at incredible speeds Goon gets ready to punch the creature. Just before the hit each other, a gunshot is hit and the creature's head explodes, its lifeless body falls to the ground. All of them are confused of where it came from. Then in the distance more gunshots are heard and bright flashes are seen through the mist. A figure is starting to take shapes when coming out of the mist. It appears to be wearing a black pointed hat, wearing a black hole-ridden coat and riding on horseback. The figure turns out to be a skinny old man holding two revolvers riding on an undead horse. He rides towards the group and said "Get on, I don't care how to fit, Hell make some sort of damn human pyramid." Goon then said "It's good to see you too now let's get outta here!" And they did, on their way out of way town; they killed at many deadites as they can to clear a path. It seemed like there was no end to it. There was no way to say how many there were or how many are coming all they know that this needs to end soon or the town will die and then the world.

Hours later, the group is now on the borderline of Hobo jungle and the Town. They all can't believe what they just went through, especially Goon he silence, now expressing anything, but you can sense what he's feeling. He's feeling angered, depressed, and failure for letting these undead freaks drive him out of town. Goon then sees a bottle of liquor floating in the murky water. Goon grabs and starts chugging on it. Franky asks "Hey are you going to leave some fore the rest of us?" Goon just ignores him and keeps drinking. Franky then realizes Goon now having one of those times of his about his troubled past. The murdering of his Aunt Kizzie in front of his own young eyes and his past loves who are either dead or hate his existence. As Goon is in his sorrowed state, Franky turns to Ash and asks him "Hey you seemed to know what's going on here, I know slackjaw when I see you and theys weren't no slackjaw. And if you're the cause of this I'm giving you what I gave them back there a knife to the eye." And Ash answered "Okay those things back there we're Deadites, there like zombies but they're not, it can be anything that can be possended by this demonic force, They can only summoned if someone uses the Necronomicon, the book of the dead. They can only be stopped by saying Klaatu vereta n… crap this just like the Middle Ages all over again. I know what is give me a moment I know it starts with a N." Franky yells at him while holding a notebook "Yes, go go now we don't have all day I would like to a vowe;l here right now." Then Specs said something finally after how many chapters you know what let's just say it's about time. "Nikto?" Ash answers with a surprised tone "Wow, yeah how do you know that?" Spec answers with this "The Day the Earth Stood Still was playing the theaters last week. Also now is a perfect time to explain why I'm here because I've been trying to give this message through the whole story. A ZOMBIE IN A SUIT KIDNAPPED MY FRIENDS! Also he checked out a Sumerian translating book for something." Then Buzzurd asks Specs "Was this zombie wearing a green suit with gloves and a hat?(Specs shook his head in agreement) Yep I say were dealing with that son of a bitch Zombie Priest." Then Franky said "Makes sense sinces he is the only bad guy that we face that uses the undead to fight us."

Then Ash said "So what's the game plan?" Goon throws a bottle to the ground and gets up. "All of you listen up I've heatrd enough talk, we an army of dark ness to face and kids to save. We also have some sicko who deserves more than what coming to him. Franky do you remember what was all in the car?" Franky answers with "We go a whole bag of dynamite." Then the Goon askes Ash "Yo, Ashley you think to can spare some gas from your chainsaw for the car?" "Yeah, also let me guess we're going to turn that car filled with dynamite into an explosive battering ram? (Ash looks at Goon expecting a responds and Goon gives him a slight grin and Ash grins back and following it with) GROOVY."

Now our heroes go through the horde with Buzzard leading the way with Specs, Franky and Ash on the back of the horse. Buzzard, Franky, and Ash are also clearing the way for Goon and Mudds who are literally punching their way through the horde. Now there at car, Ash is emptying the fuel from his saw into the car, the car is ready and lit. Ash is starting the car with the Goon and Franky in the back. While the car is starting he yelling with a grin "Buckle up we're going for a ride." Ash steps on the puddle nd they're zipping through the undead. The flying deadies are slopping in up but Goon is punching in the face when they're in range. And Franky is stabbing them in the eye (it just like the Mudds with breaking legs) Ash breaks the windshield of the car and starting firing his shotgun…which means he's using his stub of a hand to drive…oh my why would they do this?

Up from on top of his tower the Priest watches them through his telescope easily go through his army. The Priest stops staring and said "My army, how dare they, also letting a one armed man drive(Oh now they notice) Lalzo, Cat let get ready to send out my secret weapon!" the two are putting on chains to raise a giant, scratch wooden door. It shows nothing but darkness in it. Then a heavy stomp here, a creature of gargantuan size is coming out and it's white eyes would pierce any man's soul. Now the beast is coming OH GOD THAT WAS NOT WHAT I WAS IMAGINING AT ALL! OH GOD IT'S LIKE STEVE BUSCEMI AND MIELY CRYUS HAD A BABY. IT'S SHOWING MORE OF ITS MOTHER'S SIDE. Please someone kill it with fire and give me a bag to vomit in.

Ash is closing in on the door to crash the dynamite filled car with. Then he noticed something that was bothering him and asks Goon "Did you come up with a part of the plan where we get out of this alive?" Goon then realized it and grabbed Franky and Ash then jumped out of the car which crashes into the door, which in the process kills an abundance of deadites in the process. All three of them get up and brush themselves off. Ash said while all of the walk badass like into the burnt entrance "Let's get this bitch; I want to get to the bar to drink this entire day away." All three of them enter with the Buzzard and Mudds behind them who are all ready for a fight. On top of a stair way there was the Preist standing there with an evil grin on his face. He starts to talk "Goon, today is the day where-(Before he could finish Ash sees that the carpet on the bottle of the stairs leads to the top of the stairs where the Priest is standing on. Ash then pulls on it which trips the Preist.) Ah! You bitch!" Ash said "Take it Mr. Fancypants." "You will- (as he said getting up, the Mudds throws some unmentionables at him and he ducks) Ah! What was that? Was that shit? You know what screw the evil speech ATTACK!" The ground starts to shake as the giant offspring of Miley and Steve comes out of the shadows. The creature appears to be a giant zombified chimpanzee combine with the power of the Necronomicon. The monster has giant rotten bat wings, with a boney tail, its teeth are like those of a megalodon, and claws that can kill a man in one slash. Goon and Ash are in awe, Franky goes up the stairs and uses one of the comblstone that was used for the tower and shoves it down Lalzo's throat saying "Eat, the brick, eat it your need some more minerals in your diet." And Mudds have just left dust trails and Buzzrad just said "I've face bigger (Pulls out his revovlers) now are we going to start this shindig or what?" The gargantua releases a bloodcurdling roar, Ash yells "It like their two drills one each ear." Goon yelled "Yeah but they're meeting in the middle." Buzzard is unphased by it and Franky is yelling "This is why I don't listen to scearmo." Beast charges towards them Goon asks Ash "How much gas do you have?" Ash starts his saw and responds with "Enough, now let's give sugar a makeover."

All three men start firing at the monster, Buzzard with his duel revolvers, Ash with his shot gun and Goon with his magnum. Their firearms seem to do nothing to the monster; the beast slams its fist to the ground making each man rollout of the way. The monster targets one of them and it chooses Buzzard, it opens its drooling mouth and slams it into Buzzard. It starts chewing and swallows Buzzard. Ash and Goon look at each other and they cannot believe what they just saw, they need to think of anything that will end this behemoth. The monster slams its fist again and its sees Ash. It picks him and it yells at it "Hey Kong you think you could be a bit gentler? (The monster roars at Ash) I'll take that as a no and that's really some pillow talk to have there."

As Ash is getting closer to the beast's jaws of death Goon fires his magnum at beast. The creature picks him up with its other hand. Ash yells "GOON CATCH!" and he swings his saw at the Goon which he catches it then cuts off the creatures arm. The monster severed hand fall to ground with Goon in it. Goon gets up and throws the chainsaw above the creature head and Ash fires with his shotgun which explodes the saw. Fire and bits of metal goes all over the beasts back. It roars in pain and drops Ash. Ash said after hitting the ground "I defiantly need to go the chiropractor for a fall like that." Goon helps Ash get back on his feet and now they can come up with something to finish this beast off. Then they notice fire axes on the wall incased in glass with text on them saying "BREAK INCASE OF FIRES, VAMPIRES, GIANT ROBOT, ZOMBIES ETC…" Goon breaks it and asks Ash while handing him one "You know how you use one of these." And Ash said in responds "Yeah, I had experience with them…to the legs?" "To the legs." The two runs to the monsters legs and start chopping them done like a big oak tree. The creature continues to cry in pain as Ash and Goon are chopping at it. It tries to thrash out at them but its legs at too unstable and it slams into the other side of the tower. And begins to roll down a hill into a cemetery where the monster melted into a pool of rotten flesh. "Ash said in a very confused tone "What the-?" and Goon answered for him "Only hallowed ground like that could put an end of evil of that sort….and college. Some old guy told me that."

Franky came down from the stair way whistling a tune with an orange fur hat on. Goon asks "Where you get that hat, trying to look like Davy Crockett or something?" "No more like a Hugh Glass also I got it from that furless cat over there. (Cat is covering himself with a towel makes him look like a jawa from star wars) So yeah I skinned a cat and wearing like a hat." Ash and Goon looked at each other then looked back at Franky. Goon said "Nice rhyme." And Ash said "you have problems." Franky said "Thanks Goon and I do, they're because of my mother…also I found this." Franky revealing the Necronomicon to Ash and Goon then Ash asked "How did you get this?" "I got off Priest?" goon asked "What did you do to him?" Frank just shows his knife and Ash yells "Not another knife to the eye!" "I just shanked him and shame on you for thinking I'm a despicable human being." As he ended his sentence his straighten his hat. As the men are talking Specs finds the rest of the Unholy Little Bastards that were stuck in the bag. Smitty had an angry look one his face "What took you so-" Specs slaps him, Specs then said "Charlotte, glasses now." And Charlotte gives specs his spare glasses, specs then took Smitty's hat and said "From now I'm in charge got it?" all of them shook their head.

Now our three heroes have possession of the Necronomicon and Ash gets ready to say the magic words "Klaatu vereta N... Goddman it not this again?" Then Buzzard comes and said it "Nikto" Franky jumps in freight and Goon is a stunned look on his face. As they're all freaking out about Buzzard being alive, all the deadites drop like flies their bodies begin to disintegrate into the ground. So the whole town seemed like nothing ever happens, sun is shining, birds are chirping, a dog and a hobo are fighting over meat then the man turns into a werewolf and wins the hunk of meat, oh yeah that's Merle he's a werewolf. Ash and rest are still stun by The buzzard standing right in front of them after seeing being eaten by the gargantuan creature earlier. Ash ask "HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE!" Buzzard answer "I"m cursed, I'm an immortal thanks to that Priest idiot, watch." Buzzard pulls out one of his revolvers and shots himself he fall to the ground and seconds later gets back up. Ash said "Wow!" as Franky said "Bravo, now what are we going to do with that book?" Ash answered with "I'm going to take it as far away as I can from anything that ever discover it." And Goon ask "And where would that be?" "I don't know maybe the Mariana trench, its the deepest place in the world and I'm pretty sure no one would actually go down that deep for this." "Trump maybe, any rich folk who really wanted it, bad guys you would do anything to get it they list kind's go on and on." Buzzard said "What about just burn the damn thing, it would ever happen again." "Maybe but it might release some evil demon kind-of shit." Goon said "Too late I already got the barrel and I'm go about to start fire let's get this over with this story is already too damn long for my liking." Franky yelled "I got the marshmallows."

Before throwing the cursed book into the fire Ash thought about everything that's he has been through it's has been his purpose in this world, to fight the evil that is this book. Then he remembered it killed everybody that he loved and he just tosses it into the fire. As it started to burn a evil spirit came out, "I've had enough of this shit." said the Goon. He put the cat eyed cinnamon floss on and punch the evil so hard its head exploded. Ash said "Okay now I'm leaving I'm going...okay where are as in what state?" Goon answered "Tennessee." "Shit can some take to Michigan, remember I came from a portal." Buzzard said "Yeah sure I have nothing else better to do." Then Buzzard whistled a tune which summoned his undead horse, Buzzard hopped on and gave Ash a hand and they rode off to Michigan. Buzzard said "Shame that you're saw broke I wanted to test it out on myself." "Is this whole riding to be talking about ways to kill you?" "Maybe, maybe not but its horrible when you don't even remember you're name." "Please someone would tell I'm the king." Goon and Franky walked back to town. "Goon you should have saw what I did that slackjaw in the suit I shoved a brick down his throat, look like he's pregnant with a square shaped baby in his belly it was hilarious." "youe's got a weird sense a humor and that's coming from me. Now what do you say about going to Norton's?" "We always do." "I know it's just the best, what did you think about the Ash fellow?" "Not a fan he was calling this place weird, it fucking home how dare he." "He was okay, great person to drink with though. Kept calling himself the king though." "Of What?" "I don't know, but he was pretty badass and HAPPY HALLOWS EVE EVERYBODY."

 **I hoped you enjoyed my first Goon story and the first of this trilogy, don't forget to favorite and comment.**

 **Also if you're still in a mood for reading, here's some other stories from your's truly. X V. BATMAN (Dark Hosre Comics X vs the Dark Knight himself), The Execution Paradox (My own original character Executioner get's involve with the flash in the Flashpoint Paradox) and Breaking Fables (A Fables and Breaking Bad crossover which Fablestown's own Bigby Wolf goes to New Mexico to find a man that goes by Heisenberg.)**


End file.
